living in the darkness
by The Original Horcrux
Summary: "I can't do it anymore, Kate," Alexis whimpered... "Hey," Kate said, sitting down on the side of the bed and wiping one of the tears that had escaped Alexis's eyes away, "It's okay, Alexis, you're safe now." -/ Beckett, Alexis and the fact that wounds need time to heal.


**Authors Note:** So, this is my first time writing for the _Castle _fandom and my first time writing after a two month hiatus and I'm a tiny bit nervous because I've always written for things that are in the fantasy genre, but this should be fun... anyway, this is basically a fic set after 5x15/16 where Alexis and Sara are kidnapped. It's based loosely on the way that Kate handled the situation with Chloe in 1x02 - _Nanny McDead. _I guess I could say it's OOC, but hey, people have secrets.

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"Castle..." Kate said softly, tapping his chest as he snored slightly, not loudly, but loud enough to keep a restless Beckett awake, "Castle, shut up."

Castle grunted and turned onto his side, his snoring slightly muffled but still ever present. Kate turned her back to him grumpily, praying for sleep to come to her but every time she closed her eyes she could see the latest victim behind her eyelids, their injuries vivid and almost real as they were when she had seen them earlier. Kate had been a homicide detective for years now and she'd grown used to her vics appearing in her dreams often with a faceless, nameless shadow that would always end up chasing her until she woke up in a cold sweat. These dreams didn't bother her, at least they hadn't bothered her before she'd been shot. Ever since then she'd had to go through every mind training technique in the book to even get a tiny bit of sleep at night, she was still trying to push the vic out of her mind in the early hours of the morning in most cases.

Castle drew in a loud snore and Kate groaned, her eyes flying open as she rolled them, looking at the ceiling as she resigned herself to the fact that sleeping on the couch might get her more sleep than being in here with Castle, even if he did make her feel safer.

She threw the covers back and sat up in bed, Castle barely moved as she walked quietly to the door and opened it before tiptoeing out into the living room, where the couch was sitting, inviting her to lie down and sleep on it.

Light found Kate's eyes as a slither of it shone in from upstairs, she walked towards the base of the stairs, wondering what Alexis could possibly be doing up at three in the morning on a school night, this definitely wasn't like her. Kate paused for a second, listening, waiting. That was when she heard it, the quiet sob of a teenager not wanting to worry her parents.

Kate put one foot gingerly on the first step, wondering if she should go up and comfort Alexis in the first place, It had barely been a week since she and Castle had returned from Paris, and she hadn't left her room since... Castle had spent ages up there asking her to talk to him before he'd given up and responded to her wishes for him to come to bed.

Kate put her other foot on the second step, hearing another sob, this time louder from the upper floor. She thought about all of those years following her mother's death, all of those times she needed her mom there to comfort her, to tell her that everything was going to be okay. Alexis was like her, she'd never had her mom there to talk to, she'd lived with Castle ever since their divorce and from experience, there were some things daughters just didn't speak about with their dads.

There was a thud from the upper floor and Kate looked up quickly, making her decision then and there. If Alexis was going to start breaking things, then Kate didn't want Rick to be awake for it. She took the stairs two at a time, stopping, puzzled when she reached the landing. The light that had caught her attention beforehand was not coming out of Alexis's room as she had expected, but out of the bathroom.

The door was slightly ajar and Kate could hear Alexis's gut wrenching sobs from inside. Instinctively, like she was investigating a case, Kate pressed herself up against the wall and crept quietly along the corridor, the sobs from within the bathroom becoming louder with every step she took until she couldn't delay it any longer, she pushed the bathroom door open and peeked inside only to see Alexis slumped against the wall, blood dripping down her arms from multiple cuts and pooling on the ground.

"Fuck," Kate exclaimed, rushing over to Alexis and dropping to her knees, grabbing the eighteen year old by her arm and pressing down on one of the nastier looking cuts closer to the crook of her elbow, fishing in her pocket for her phone, only to find that she had left it downstairs in the bedroom.

"Alexis," she said quickly, "Alexis, look at me."

Alexis's head turned slowly, revealing to Kate her puffy bloodshot eyes that told Kate everything.

"Oh god, Alexis," Kate said

"B-Beckett?" Alexis said softly as Kate rummaged in the bathroom drawer for some antiseptic, "Beckett, what're you doing?"

"Hey," Kate said, pulling Alexis's bare legs out from under her and pulling out her arm, "This is going to sting a bit okay," she said as she ripped open the packet of antiseptic wipes and dabbed them on Alexis's skin. The redhead winced as Kate dabbed at the slices she'd made in her skin, all the while keeping her thumb pressed down on the cut near Alexis's elbow.

"D-don't tell my dad," Alexis heaved through sobs.

"You're gonna be okay, alright, Alexis, you're gonna be okay."

"D-don't tell him, B-Beckett, p-ple-please."

"Shh," Kate said, pushing Alexis's hair back from her sweaty, tearstained face, "It's okay, Alexis, you're safe now." Kate rummaged one handed in the drawer until she found a bandage, much like the one she had used to bandage her own cuts from her own episode of PTSD, the only difference being that hers was accidental. It wasn't hard for Kate to notice the signs, she'd been through them, she'd seen her co-workers go through them, Alexis was just a lot closer to home than any of her co-workers.

She gently wrapped the bandage tightly around Alexis's left forearm, the blood soaking through in seconds, but Kate kept wrapping it up, like she was wrapping a present, all the while reassuring Alexis that she was going to be alright, that she was safe, that nobody was going to hurt her.

"Come on," Kate said, tucking the end of the bandage in and stroking Alexis's hair as her sobs slowly subsided, "You can't stay here forever, come on I'll take you back to your room."

Kate slung Alexis's uninjured arm around her neck and pulled her to her feet. Alexis's legs crumpled under her and Kate grunted loudly as the younger girl shivered at her feet. Kate pushed her hair of her forehead and leant back down next to Alexis. "Okay, Alexis, I'm going to pick you up, but I'm not as strong as your dad I'm going to need you to help me, can you do that?"

Alexis made no sound to recognise that she understood what Kate had just told her.

"Okay, can you put your arm around my neck for me, Alexis?"

Alexis slowly lifted her good arm and put it around Kate's neck. Kate smiled, "Thanks, baby."

Kate put one arm under Alexis's back and the other under her legs and pushed upwards from her knees, bringing back memories of the last time she'd had to do this. She had been a rookie then, she'd had to carry a sixteen year old girl out of the wreckage of a bomb blast... the girl had barely been alive, but Kate had saved her, just like she was going to do with Alexis.

Alexis was a dead weight in her arms but Kate somehow managed to get her down the corridor and into her room. She placed Alexis down in her bed as gently as she could and pulled the covers up over her. Alexis's eyes fluttered open and she looked up at Kate with a mixture of fear and sadness in her eyes.

"Kate," she said softly, still shivering.

"Yeah," Kate said, kneeling on the ground next to her bed.

"Don't leave me."

Kate felt her heart break for Alexis in that moment. Her voice sounded so scared, terrified even, "I'm here, Alexis, I'm not going anywhere."

Alexis was silent for a moment as Kate absent mindedly stroked the younger girl's hair. She felt Alexis start to shake again, "I can't do it anymore, Kate," Alexis whimpered.

"Hey," Kate said, sitting down on the side of the bed and wiping one of the tears that had escaped Alexis's eyes away, "It's okay, Alexis, you're safe now."

"I-I just can't stop thinking a-about it. Being t-taken and ending up in P-Paris of all pl-places... I was locked in a cage, Kate. There were people who were killed right in front of me... I can still smell their blood and I can still feel their hands on me from when they dragged me from place to place with a sack on my head."

"Shh," Kate said, "It's all in the past... It's all over, you're here now, baby, you're safe with me and your dad."

Alexis sat up slowly in bed, her tearstained face was red and puffy in the light given off by her lamp, "It may be all in the past but as soon as I close my eyes I can just remember it like it's happening to me over and over again and I can't..." she paused to draw in a breath as she began to sob again, "I can't do it, Kate I just can't deal with it anymore it's too much."

Kate wrapped her arms around Alexis, pressing the younger girl's head into her chest as Alexis hyperventilated. Kate rubbed small circles on her back as tears ran down her own cheeks. She couldn't imagine what Alexis was going through... actually she could. She'd been shot in the chest and she'd lived, she'd survived despite all the odds and she knew that Alexis could do the same.

"This whole week I haven't been able to sleep or eat or do anything because I just always think that they're going to come for me and take me again... and all week I've been thinking about how much easier it would be to just end it all, and then tonight... I fell asleep and I dreamt about _him_ and he grabbed me and stuffed me into a dark room and then I woke up and It was just all too much. I got the razor but then I couldn't do it. I wasn't brave enough."

Kate choked back tears as she watched Alexis, her partner's only daughter, who seemed so strong and so resilient, pour her heart out to her.

"Alexis you've been through too much to end it all here," Kate said and Alexis's hold around her waist tightened, "It's hard, but you're strong, and you can get through it."

"I don't know how..." Alexis said drawing deep breaths between every word as Kate held her tightly.

"Just start by remembering that your father loves you and your Gram loves you and, I love you and we all want you to be safe, and god knows we would do anything to protect you, Alexis."

Alexis broke away from the embrace, looking at Kate with glistening eyes, "You called me baby," she said, "Before, you called me baby, just like I was your daughter."

"I-" Kate started, not realising that she had indeed let the word slip out, "Alexis, you're the closest thing to a daughter I've ever had – " Alexis cut her off.

"You'd make a really good mom, you know... You understand..."

"Maybe, someday," Kate said softly as Alexis lay back down. Kate pushed Alexis's hair back off her forehead and reached out to turn off the lamp.

"Kate," Alexis said.

"Yeah?"

"Will you stay?"

"For as long as you need."

"Will you help me get through this?"

"With whatever it takes."

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